remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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