my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
