the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
