took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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