just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
