God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
