i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
