I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
