hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
