I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
