i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
