I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
