i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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