Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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