I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
