I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
