i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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