I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
