I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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