if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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