even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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