dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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