Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
