I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
