apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
