I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
