Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
