just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
