im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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