i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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