Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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