I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
im on a boat
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