Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
