mondays should just be called national damage control day
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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