Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
