Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
