I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
