our cab driver is having phone sex.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
