OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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