I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
