i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
