I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My bed smells like the plague
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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