you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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