Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
His hands were made for my vagina.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
