There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
