he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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