Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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