There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
