so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
