I'm going to jail i love you
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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