I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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