I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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